So we all know the tale of Clark Kent - alien dude who looks like a human (first of all, ridiculous, the sheer notion that aliens would look exactly like us is baffling, like really dude it’s called a fucking imagination, you could have made him look like ....wait a second then people would know he’s an alien, plot meltdown, shit). Better stick to those black rimmed eyeglasses as a disguise; I see no flaw in that being the whole disguise. A pair of glasses. Well done superman, well done.
Moving on
So he’s probably the most recognizable superhero, I mean batman’s cool and all but ever since the Dark Knight my feelings towards the bat have gone south, not Bahamas drinking out of a coconut on the beach south. More like headless drug related killings in Mexico south. Mainly due to that ridiculous raspy voice that Christian Bale magically acquires when he dons the bat suit, its super aggravating. To boot he doesn’t even have a super power.
Hypothetical real life situation: Batman and Superman get into an argument (something about someone eating someone else’s Bagel Bites), Batman with his fiery bat-like temper starts getting really riled up. Because he’s a greasy bat person he punches superman right in the clavicle (easy TKO right?) wrong! He fucking breaks his wrist because he just punched an immovable object. Now he’s super-sitting out the next 6-8 weeks with 2 fractured metacarpals and a shattered proximal phalange. You honestly think Superman would have any respect for that asshole. If I were Superman I’d give that rich mother fucker a super ass whoopin on the regular.
Why don’t you do us all a super favour batman, sit this adventure out. Go get some pizza for the real superheroes you super douche.
Ok so I know this dude, he got stiffed by the man (no homo) and now he’s potentially going to court to get some legal justice. The best part of the whole scenario is that he is totally representing himself. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he has minimal formal legal training. I mean we have all watched some law and order and CSI but I don’t think anyone’s best Grisham impersonation will hold up in court.
Chef by day, Lawyer by mid-afternoon. If anyone has the potential to be a real life superhero it’s this guy. Honestly how many times have you tried to do something that has an almost 100% chance of completely Hiroshima’ing in your face!
Again, going out on a limb here. Probably never!
That’s what makes a real deal super hero. Do you honestly think the first time a superhero put on a colourful spandex costume people were stoked on it? Fuck no. He probably got called all kinds of homo. Did he stop? Fuck no! That shit is MAINSTREAM now. I’m not saying the first superhero was heterosexual, I’m just saying someone clearly stuck to their guns on the spandex situation.
Spiderman, cool skills and all but he’s such a pussy. The first thing I would do if I could swing from building to building and climb walls and had a 6 pack is dump that Ranga with no soul living next door to me and go wrangle up some serious quality tang. Honestly dude what is wrong with you. I know you’re into science and shit but that’s no excuse for being such a sad wet blanket.
Spawn, now there’s a superhero. No spandex on that mother fucker, just some bionic hell armour that he can make do anything. Rocks a serious cape too, and not one those fruity beach towel get up’s that Superman and Batman are all up on.
What’s your power Spiderman, could it possibly be the powers that a spider has? NO WAY IT ISSSS!!!!
What’s your power Batman, oh yea we already covered this you are just a super waste of a chair in the justice league headquarters who likes to dress up like a bat.
What’s your power Superman, could it be that your just super at everything? Ding ding ding!!!
Fucking get creative, honestly. Old school nerds have made you comic book makers super rich, what do you have to show for your riches. Probably the three lamest named superheroes any carbon based life forms have ever created. God dammit. (that was a reference to aliens... I totally believe in that shit)
Mulder out.
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