If everyone worked as hard as I do. Well. Let's just say the world would be a ....different place

8:30 – Arrive at work, ready for the day ahead. Appropriately say hello to fellow co-workers, careful to avoid use of any swear words or racial slurs. Tip-toe out of nerdy conversation about next level nerdy shit, slip into office.

8:40 – Unpack laptop, connect to external monitor for maximum working efficiency. Unpack banana, apple, water and protein gunk for optimum working fuel. Organize desk for maximum feng shui. Stand back and assess levels of feng shui. Disgustedly acknowledge feng shui is at an all time low. Re-organize desk. Note down current bid on Ebay Bonzai Tree.

9:00 – Realize half an hour has been wasted doing nothing of any productive nature, open laptop. Stare at wall.

9:20 – Snap out of trance and open Autocad. Stare at wall.

9:40 – Open Facebook and creep around, beach photos? Yep.

10:00 – Make two lines in Autocad and decide it’s time for a power snack, peel banana and consume.

10:01 – Banana didn’t suffice, eat apple.

10:05 – Stare at wall.

11:30 – Decide to cut my losses. Lunch time, carefully manoeuvre between countless engineers eating ham sandwiches, insert lunch into microwave and set for 3 minutes. Prepare to endure what is considered by myself to be “The Gauntlet of Nerd”.

11:33 – What felt like eternity of stories your own mother would slap you for telling is over, my food is warm enough to suffice. Grab food out of microwave and tactfully evade co-workers without any further eye contact which may lead to verbal communication. Dip back into the safety, tranquility and silence that is my office.

12:00 – Sit in quiet contemplation about how people can live off of ham sandwiches with cheese and mustard on white rye bread for lunch EVERY DAY.

12:15 – Snap out of quiet contemplation acknowledging this is a “first world pain”.

12:20 – Insert headphones, select Armin Van Buuren’s “state of trance”. Work at a pace only explained only by imagining an octopus who has been trained to click mice in a somewhat coherent manner. 7 limbs clicking, 1 limb pressing undo. Progress is made.

3:00 – State of trance ends and so does work.

3:01 – Open Facebook.

3:10 – Stare at wall.

5:00 – Go home, again careful to manoeuvre oneself in a manner which attracts the least amount of attention and possible interaction. After a hard days work I believe I am entitled to leave without having to talk about more work.

5:05 – Drive home content with a hard days work.