I’m sure we’ve all crammed onto that 5pm bus after a long day of scholastic bombardment. Eager to share with the world the facts and lessons we have learned. Most well aware that acquiring a seat on this vessel is an exercise in futility. On this brisk Friday afternoon the opportunity arose for many individuals, only to be disregarded like the welfare of a puppy in China town. Why you might ask? Why would so many learned Mohawk College students make this puzzling decision?
Middle Aged Man with a Mustache.
We’ve heard about them, some of us fear them. However we know that they co-exist all around us. Some choosing a life of solitude living in the shadows and gutters of society. Others a life of self righteous pride, refusing to acknowledge and accept the fact that the hair growing on their upper lip sends shivers down the collective spine of women everywhere.
Why though, why does this combination of Carbon, Oxygen, Hydrogen, Nitrogen and Sulphur that plagues the upper lips of men (and some women) have this a(e)ffect (still not sure about that one). Why can’t (for arguments sake lets name him Edwardo Nunes) sport his facial hair of choice and have people willingly sit beside him on his bus ride home. Why do people awkwardly shuffle and sardine each other in the aisle rather than take the chance of sitting beside a potential rapist. Furthermore why did I just assume he is a potential rapist? These are the questions I am sure all of you have, and have wondered ever since that dark haired kid started growing his pube-stache in grade 4. Our public school Sexual education classes did not dignify these questions with even the remotest answers. In fact the only thing I remember about Elementary school sex ed was everyone in the room having to say “penis”. Weird.
Unilateral Eyebrow Growth
Another form of Pili that puzzles me to my very core. I would say 97% of people take some sort of pride in their day to day appearances. We shower, we cut our hair, we even comb our mustaches. However I believe that all of that effort is for nothing if we sport a well defined unilateral brow. I would be the first to admit that my beard can from time to time get a little rowdy, maybe it even offends some small children, this is done not out of spite for the youth of today. This is done because I am lazy, HOWEVER I have never been too lazy to let a unibrow creep out of ambiguity and define my face. Yes, I tend to that shit. All it takes is a couple bucks to get some tweezers and the common sense to know “ok Lloyd, lets not get out of control here. Put down the tweezers” I’m not asking people to get crazy, get wild, and do something crazy. I’m asking them to remove the Pili that have started to grow on the pent house area of their nose. (Imagine your nose is an apartment building, the holes being the basement and the top where it merges with your forehead the penthouse). I like to make analogies like that to help everyone fully grasp what it is I am describing.
I think an example of where someone wasn’t properly spanked as a child would manifest my point a little more clearly in the reader’s cranium. So I’m at Mohawk scorning the goddam flea markets they have decided are the best way to clutter up the already busy halls when I notice a crew of what I would guestimate to be Indian or Pakistani men. Now I have noticed that a “hot” trend with these gentlemen are those dress shoes that extend 3 feet past the end of their actual feet. Not hating, just saying a lot of them are rockin these kinds of shoes. My first quam is that it is just blatant waste, you could make two shoes and a women’s purse out of the material it has taken to make just one of those “stylish”? leather extendo shoes. So anyways these gentlemen are well dressed with their fancy shoes, fancy pants, dress shirts. The whole bit, but one of these suave young men has an almost flawless seemingly cultivated Unilateral Eyebrow. Now if you’re wondering if I stared, I did. Shamelessly. Now I just wanted to ask him, why go to all this trouble and expense to put all your fancy apparel on when no one is going to notice you have anything below your neck because they are going to be fixated on that tuft of dark shiny penthouse of the nose hair!!!
Roller Bags.
Fuckin, roller bags. I understand that bags get heavy, believe me I rock a heavy bag situation on the reg. Not bragging, just saying it’s really heavy. Like I don’t think most people could lift it. Anyways the sudden and altogether disappointing rise of the roller bag amongst post secondary students is alarming to say the least. If you’re 64, retired and have decided to come take some voluntary courses for shits and gigs and you run the roller scene I am completely behind you. Your osteoporosis is a real issue and I don’t want to see an old lady blow out her ankle on the 2nd step only to tumble down the next 6. That would fuckin ruin my day. But if you’re 20 years old and despite your best efforts still relatively healthy you better put those straps around your shoulders. The biggest difficulty and issue in your day should NOT be troubleshooting how to get your roller bag from the bottom of the stairs to the top of the stairs, or vice versa. Nothing will promote you getting body checked headfirst into the brick wall faster than getting in my way at 9am while trying to get your roller bag to defy Newton’s laws and climb the steps. Maybe it is that quality alone that has derived such a hate for the bag with wheels, the fact that you don’t have to have a bag on your back ever, and when it comes time to lift it for 6 steps, you would rather try and drag it up. This has officially turned into a rant where I am directly referring to about 5 people at Mohawk. Come on, come on. I’m going to start kicking your roller bags off their rollers. I can’t imagine the brain strain trying to troubleshoot getting those things back on their wheels would cause you.
Get serious, get a real bag, tweeze your uni-brows and take care of those mustaches.
Love Lloyd.
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