A Velcro Renaissance

Welcome

Got two fairly polarizing topics I want to discuss today.

First off we have jersey shore.

You either love it, or you think those 8 retards are the root of most evil on earth. Personally I love that shit. I’m not disputing the fact that they all suffer from mild to severe mental retardation (probably linked to exponentially higher rates of exposure to U.V. rays than the average person is supposed to ...expose themselves to in a lifetime). The fact is if you take it for what it is, it’s hilarious, it’s random, pointless, and everything I love about TV and modern media in general.

So my point is, if you hate it that’s cool I’m not about to bust into your room with my bedazzled Ed Hardy iPhone playing obnoxious party beats wearing a tight bedazzled Ed Hardy V-neck T-shirt, with a bedazzled heavily curved sideways tilted AND twisted Ed Hardy hat, with slightly less bedazzled but no less obnoxious Ed Hardy shoes with some expensive brand of obnoxious jeans. I’m not sure if Ed is bedazzling jeans for the mainstream yet?

POINT BEING, stop being Kim Jong-il when I tell you I watch that shit like I just pee’d on the grave of Kim Il-sung...I know you don’t get the reference, google it.

Velcro shoes.

I had a pair, you had a pair. At the time it was socially acceptable to wear Velcro shoes I was a newly settled immigrant from a far off land called AFRICA. Great country, google it. My family did not have the fashionable knowledge or maybe the expendable income to be suiting up their son with the Velcro shoes with little lights in the bottoms that lit up with each naive young step I hypothetically would have been taking. I loved mine nonetheless.

I loved them until that inevitable, yet horrid day when I was told I had to be a big boy and spend what felt like an eternity tying a bow to solve the same problem that Velcro solved in AT LEAST 1/3 the time. First of all I want to talk about regret, regret that I didn’t say “Fuck that and fuck you! Velcro is the shit!” Problem being my sister hadn’t taught me those swears yet.

So my question to you is: Why isn’t Velcro cool? It’s practical, easy, fast, stylish as SHIT. Would people think I’m a retard if I wore them?

Real Talk

If I have to tie a fucking bow with two pieces of string for you to not think I’m a retard then I think we all need to raise the bar.

Finally I’d like to throw down a couple shout outs to people I saw today at Mohawk (I was there all day)

1.)    To the middle aged Asian lady wearing her jacket like a cape – I still want to be a super hero too

2.)    To the guy on the bus dressed like Jay Sean – Your doing a great job, good use of accessorizing

3.)    To the big ol’ girl on her cell phone pushing through the bus line like we were carrots in the way of chocolate cake – You’re a barbarian and I wish the worst upon you

4.)    To the Indian guy in my math class who’s cell phone went off with an authentic Indian music ring tone – Way to represent brother, don’t stress the entire class + teacher bursting out in laughter

5.)    To the guy in line for Subway who looked like Ronnie from J. Shore – Unreal, I think your episode is coming up tomorrow night prepare to be a celebrity brother.

6.)    To the guy who refuses to accept the fact that it is winter and you shouldn’t be wearing shorts anymore – If I were you bro I’d be jumping through hoops to find ANY way to cover up those cankles. As well take off the sunglass lenses you wear over your eyeglasses when you’re inside, they aren’t functioning like Kanye West’s $1000 sunglasses that he wears inside. God dammit man do you ever want to lose your virginity?

Bye.