A Velcro Renaissance

Welcome

Got two fairly polarizing topics I want to discuss today.

First off we have jersey shore.

You either love it, or you think those 8 retards are the root of most evil on earth. Personally I love that shit. I’m not disputing the fact that they all suffer from mild to severe mental retardation (probably linked to exponentially higher rates of exposure to U.V. rays than the average person is supposed to ...expose themselves to in a lifetime). The fact is if you take it for what it is, it’s hilarious, it’s random, pointless, and everything I love about TV and modern media in general.

So my point is, if you hate it that’s cool I’m not about to bust into your room with my bedazzled Ed Hardy iPhone playing obnoxious party beats wearing a tight bedazzled Ed Hardy V-neck T-shirt, with a bedazzled heavily curved sideways tilted AND twisted Ed Hardy hat, with slightly less bedazzled but no less obnoxious Ed Hardy shoes with some expensive brand of obnoxious jeans. I’m not sure if Ed is bedazzling jeans for the mainstream yet?

POINT BEING, stop being Kim Jong-il when I tell you I watch that shit like I just pee’d on the grave of Kim Il-sung...I know you don’t get the reference, google it.

Velcro shoes.

I had a pair, you had a pair. At the time it was socially acceptable to wear Velcro shoes I was a newly settled immigrant from a far off land called AFRICA. Great country, google it. My family did not have the fashionable knowledge or maybe the expendable income to be suiting up their son with the Velcro shoes with little lights in the bottoms that lit up with each naive young step I hypothetically would have been taking. I loved mine nonetheless.

I loved them until that inevitable, yet horrid day when I was told I had to be a big boy and spend what felt like an eternity tying a bow to solve the same problem that Velcro solved in AT LEAST 1/3 the time. First of all I want to talk about regret, regret that I didn’t say “Fuck that and fuck you! Velcro is the shit!” Problem being my sister hadn’t taught me those swears yet.

So my question to you is: Why isn’t Velcro cool? It’s practical, easy, fast, stylish as SHIT. Would people think I’m a retard if I wore them?

Real Talk

If I have to tie a fucking bow with two pieces of string for you to not think I’m a retard then I think we all need to raise the bar.

Finally I’d like to throw down a couple shout outs to people I saw today at Mohawk (I was there all day)

1.)    To the middle aged Asian lady wearing her jacket like a cape – I still want to be a super hero too

2.)    To the guy on the bus dressed like Jay Sean – Your doing a great job, good use of accessorizing

3.)    To the big ol’ girl on her cell phone pushing through the bus line like we were carrots in the way of chocolate cake – You’re a barbarian and I wish the worst upon you

4.)    To the Indian guy in my math class who’s cell phone went off with an authentic Indian music ring tone – Way to represent brother, don’t stress the entire class + teacher bursting out in laughter

5.)    To the guy in line for Subway who looked like Ronnie from J. Shore – Unreal, I think your episode is coming up tomorrow night prepare to be a celebrity brother.

6.)    To the guy who refuses to accept the fact that it is winter and you shouldn’t be wearing shorts anymore – If I were you bro I’d be jumping through hoops to find ANY way to cover up those cankles. As well take off the sunglass lenses you wear over your eyeglasses when you’re inside, they aren’t functioning like Kanye West’s $1000 sunglasses that he wears inside. God dammit man do you ever want to lose your virginity?

Bye.

Here's to you Sit Down Bike Guy

Sit down bike guy

Sit down bike guy, where do I begin? With your sit down bike? Your tenacious spirit? You’re a legend, we have never spoken and I doubt we ever will. I wrote this tribute to you while at school today, and as I pulled onto my street on the way home you were waiting on the corner, your orange goggles glistening in the sombre afternoon light, your detachable mini rear view mirror angled just enough for you to protect your rear end from  rear ending.

No this isn’t a love note to my hero. More a tribute to someone with the eye of the tiger, a wolf pack of one. A true visionary for the future of seated bicycle transportation.  

You may well be wondering who SDBG is and well, that’s a valid question. I’m sure in your travels you’ve seen at least one sit down bike. They are those more efficient and ergonomic, super stylish bikes where you sit back and cruise like Bobby did in “Bobby’s World” on his tricycle. You may be saying “so what, he rides a sit down bike, I learned to ride a bike with 2 wheels when I was 5” and I would respond to you “you best watch your goddam mouth when you talk about SDBG”

It’s the conditions that SDBG rides his vehicle of choice in that makes him a true living Hamilton icon and legend. The many nights I sit at the dinner table mowing down watching the real life soap opera that is “The streets of Hamilton”. I would guestimate the highest per capita ratio of Rascal scooter users in Ontario if not the world, the inexplicably high amount of ambulances and other emergency response vehicles being called to almost every building but my own, the young mothers in their Fubu apparel pushing their babies strollers lost in thought as to who their baby daddy might be. Sure enough, come rain, shine, snowstorm or santa clause parade SDBG will come zooming down the street making his token crossing of the busy 3 lane street. To be honest I don’t even think he looks left AND right for cars, it has nothing to do with it being a one way street either..he’s just that badass.

What sparked the necessity for me to share the exploits of SDBG happened yesterday. The day after the biggest snowfall Hamilton has seen yet this year, sure enough out of the hazardous conditions emerged none other than SIT DOWN BIKE GUY! Not fazed by the adverse conditions that many drivers feared and shied away from, SDBG came barrelling through the snow with ease not with tank treads or some other traction aid no. Just with cahonies the size of beach balls and quadriceps the diameter of the average mans waist.

Let’s all take a moment to admire sit down bike guy for the inspiration he is. Sending the message that any Hamilton resident no matter how insane, homeless or steel worker can be a true success.

Cheers to you sit down bike guy

Your fan

Lloyd.

Highway to the Dangerzone

Maverick, Goose, Iceman three names you may associate with one of the greatest cinematic productions of all time. I’m assuming that all 3 of you who read this have seen top gun so I’m not going to dilly dally on the finer details of plot, call-signs, frosted tips and other components of the movie that will be vital going forward.

Drove home in some pretty adverse conditions Thursday and saw that gnarly diagonal snow plough truck line they make to clear the highways in one fell swoop. Instead of focusing on the snow, the high volume of traffic or the multitude of other dangers I was surrounded by. I started to think about Tom Cruise (no homo).

 People take for granted Tom Cruises exploits in Top Gun. One word people, VAL KILMER. I’d love to see you confidently compete against “The” Val Kilmer, say what you want about his current cinematic status or his fat-ass performance in Heat where he was fat with a pseudo p-tail. The guy was fucking batman, and not the new age “omg best movie ever” Dark Knight. I’m talking the batman who was so bad-ass he couldn’t even move his head. That shit was statuesque, there is nothing more dramatic then turning to look at someone with ones entire body. I urge you to try it in your next business or job related interaction, you will love the results. Back to said Gun. Val Kilmer had his shit together in Top Gun. The man was able to keep his tips frosted while out at sea on a navy aircraft carrier. I can’t even grow hair on 20% of my head, let alone sustain a high maintenance arguably still “in style” frosted tip spikey do. He never even got helmet hair.

FACT! If all 7 billion people in the world stood shoulder to shoulder we would take up a space the size of Los Angeles. BANK IT.

All I’m saying is I think Tom Cruise deserves a little more recognition for his work in his F-14A Tomcat. You try and do corkscrews and barrel rolls and shit, come to think of it you probably don’t even have an F-14A Tomcat. You should probably stick with the snow plough driving dream, like I am.

So, without further useless jibber jabber

The top gun of snow plough truck driving is clearly the dudes who roll in squadrons of 2-8 to clear those vital highways so we can get our Toyota prius’s home for dinner. I firmly believe that they too have call signs and follow very similar lifestyles to afore mentioned Top Gun fighter pilots. Rigorous physical and mental training, and of course the most important component of either top tier professions

 CALL SIGNS.

 Some call signs I believe were the first taken by these Top Gun snow ploughers  include: Icepick, Flashfreeze, Rustyshovel, Salt, Blackice, and Blizzard....I guess there was a Top Gun movie fan who picked Iceman, but that’s like calling me Lloyd Christmas..not cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8rZWw9HE7o

Popping the blog cherry

Well, I did it. I'm popping my blog cherry, I wish all the cherry popping in my life had been this easy and lacked the complete humilitation of earlier examples of cherry popping... in my life.

Enough about cherry popping, that shits wack.

I think the theme of this first post should revolve around the movie dumb and dumber. This movie, however comedically brilliant it was has haunted me since its 1994 release, which coincides perfectly with my arrival to Canada in the same year (I came from south africa). If my life were a novel this is where the teacher would remind you about FORESHADOWING. Anyways long story short I would guestimate that since 1994 until 2011 43.61% of the time I introduce myself to someone the first thing they say after hearing my name is one of three responses:

1.) Like Lloyd Christmas?
2.) Have you ever seen Dumb and Dumber
3.) hahahahahahahaha LLOYD CHRISTMAS!!!!

One day, someone is going to be in mid "Lloyd Chri.." I'm not sure how I type out a punch to the trachea, but thats why they stopped mid "christmas". This is fair warning, if you like your trachea all functional and non collapsey, get original.

Moving on

The jist of the blog will be hilarious things I see on a daily basis, below is a list of reasons to read my posts
-I live in hamilton
-I go to mohawk (Gimp capital of the golden horseshoe, I'm not kidding, ok I am but I've never seen so many gimpy kids under one instituational roof, it's wild...I would liken it to the mecca of gimpy kids)
-News, the news is hilarious... well at least I think it can be.
-I live in hamilton
-Facts. If you have ever spent a significant period of time with me you will know that I also have a pretty solid grasp on the art of useless facts, the plan is to enlighten your day with something you didnt know, didnt need to know, would probably rather not know, but now youll know.
-Any other shit I feel like posting, you know why? because its my fucking blog and I'm in mother fucking real life, not space and not a limo driver taking mary swanson to the airport so she can drop of ransom money to Joe Mentalino and J.P. Shay.

LLOYD OUT